Beards. There’s no getting around them. They’re pretty much the most manly thing you can have, if you’re a man. Come to think of it it’s the most manly thing you can have if you’re a woman, too. They are big and hair and powerful and make you look at least 20,0005.3a% more manly and they also allow you to lift much heavier weights and do two armbars at the same time. Possibly even a toe hold too, although toe holds are slightly less manly than armbars. Beards also add 25% choke resistance – most people will be grossed out by the thick, slightly pungent facial hairs getting tangled up in their girlish nails as they try (feebly) to choke you (as if).

These beards are infused with the actual beard hairs of Zeus* and have been blessed at the Temple of Chuck Norris** . They also have the Official Seal of Fantasticness & Bloody Great from Brian Blessed***.

• Polyester / cotton blend of ultimate superiority – no pilling, great at keeping their shape
• Beards are great

*This is an unverified statement

**Actually my spare bedroom with a signed picture of Chuck Norris from 1997

***May not be entirely true